It looked so much higher looking down. Much higher than when I would gaze up while swimming in the river below. Its weird how you don’t realize how messed up and scary things appear until you’ve looked at it from a different perspective. I tried hard to keep my balance as a damp breeze whipped across the bridge. I adjusted myself and gazed down at the river below and saw the reflection of the moon and the stars bouncing back to me from the same place I often swam and fished. The river was only about four feet deep, but, man, was it fun. Some didn’t even consider it a river. It was a clear night. With the absence of the town’s lights, all the stars were accented. The constellations were pretty easy to pick out. The night seemed too perfect for its own good.
    I couldn’t believe that it had come down to this. Me, looking down at my river, pondering what it would be like to just jump and end it all. I mean I was what you would call a pretty well to do kinda guy. Everyone thought I had it all. Good looks, fairly high intelligence, really good social life inside and outside of school. A good family relationship. At first I would just think of myself as a regular guy. I never really thought as myself as anything more than what I was. Just a normal guy trying to live life the best I could. You’d think that I was content. But I wasn’t.
    Everyone would all be devastated to see me end up like this. They would mourn and cry just like I know they would. I tried very hard to keep everyone from being able to really understand what was going on inside my head and I guess I did a pretty good job of it.
    There were a lot of things that got me to the point I’m at now. The town that I lived in was a good one to start off with. My town was fairly small. Not small as in ten houses, a Church, and a local grocery store. It was just a small neighborhood. A suburb might be the better word for it. But there were things about this place and the people that lived in it that really disgusted me. Some of the little kids walking around looked like rejects from hell. It was really sad that parents could allow their kids to become so out of control. Then those kids grow up to be the kind of kids that I am forced to associate with at school. It’s a sick and sad circle.
    "Oh it couldn’t be that bad," some would say.
    Well what the hell would they know?
    There were the few that did try to probe the recesses of my thoughts and some even succeeded in getting a tear from my eye as I tried to explain what I couldn’t take any more. Usually that person was either a personal friend or a close girlfriend.
    But as much as they wanted no one could really understand even as much as they said they did. I really did appreciate the support they all gave me and the advice that was handed down though. I never held it against any of them for not really understanding.
    But, Catharine… If there were one thing I would want to live for, it would be her. She was the most beautiful, open, caring person in the world. She had the face of an angel and her long legs seemed to stretch to the sky. Her flowing, dark blonde hair was a mesmerizing sight when she tossed it every now and then in her own way. I could fall asleep with a smile on my face when I was thinking about her. You don’t find someone like her every day.
    She was the only person I had ever broken down and cried my heart out to. Just one day while I was sitting with her on the couch watching a sappy teen show something snapped. I turned to her, put my head in my hands and cried. I was really surprised when she held me close to her and told me everything was going to be OK. I could’ve died right there.
    After a long time I worked up the nerve to ask her out. When she said yes, a huge smile ripped across my face. I wanted her so badly it hurt and now that I had her I didn’t want to let go. We had so much fun together. We complimented each other perfectly. We weren’t exactly the same and that’s what kept things interesting. We would talk for hours about things. About how the world was, and about the people who lived in it. It was never boring with her. I thought it would last forever.
    Unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be I guess. One day, out of the blue about four months down the relationship, she called me. The second she started talking I knew what was coming. She told me that she desperately needed some time to herself. She explained to me about problems in her family.
    She told me that she cared for me too much to drag me down with her. I pleaded with her and I told her that I wanted to be there for her like she had been there for me. But in the end she decided that it was for the best. She said that she still wanted me to be her friend and for us to talk like we always did. I respected her for telling me the truth and not making up a BS story. I told her that I would be here whenever she needed me. She thanked me and said good bye. And that was, as they say, that. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
    I tried very hard for us to see each other as much as I could. I invited her to movies with friends, youth group meetings, and anything else I could get her involved in. But little by little I lost touch with her. I went into a really bad slump after that. I couldn’t concentrate in school. I was edgy towards my friends. Even my parents were getting sick of me.
    It took me a long time before I was able to snap out of it. But even then I still thought about her. Just something about her kept me hanging on. I sometimes had wished I never gotten involved with her.
    I lowered myself slowly and sat on the rail. Another breeze. It brought long awaited relief on what seemed to be an unusually hot night. Hottest night so far this spring.
    "God must’ve forgot to turn down the heat," I smirked.
    Speak of the devil.
    Where had he been? I prided myself on being an upright guy and went to Church faithfully. I was even and altar boy for some time.
    "Didn’t that entitle me to a little more help!!?", I yelled into the night sky. I faded off when I remembered that He never answered back directly. He  always left it for me to find. That always pissed me off. I always told him my problems, but I got sick of never hearing anything back.
    I guessed it was time that I got on with it then. I lifted myself to a standing position and gazed down. It would all be over soon. The hatred, the ignorance, the crime, it was all going to leave my life in a matter of seconds.
    "I feel sorry for the poor guy that’s got to clean this crap up," I joked out loud.
    I leaned forward and closed my eyes. I felt myself fall forward into the night.
    A sudden pain in my backside brought me back to reality. I looked dumbly around wondering who had thrown me from my dive position.
    "What the hell are you doing!?", a voice screamed.
    The voice was very familiar. Even though there was anger in her voice it was still as soothing as ever. It was Catharine for sure. I pulled myself to my feet and turned to see Catharine with a very disgusted look on her face.
    "What the HELL are you doing," she repeated.
    I didn’t know what to say. It took me awhile to gather my thoughts.
    "What did it look like I was doing and how did you find me," I snapped coldly.
    "First off it looked like you were about to jump off the damn bridge and second I was just taking a walk."
    "Well thank you for pointing out the obvious."
    "Are you out of your mind or something? Are you feeling OK?"
    "I’ve never felt better actually. I’m finally seeing things clearly. And it’s not worth sticking around to see how it comes out."
    "Why would you say something like that? I know things have been rough for you, but it’s not worth killing yourself. I’m sorry that things happened the way they happened with us. I wish I could’ve been there for you, but I couldn’t even be there for myself."
    Catharine looked deep into my eyes as if she was trying to find something. All I could do is stand there. I was so stubborn. I tried to find something to say to make myself look like I had a good enough reason for what I was trying to do. I stood there, thinking and rethinking.
    "I missed you so much, Cat," I confessed to her. "You were everything to me. Why did it all happen this way? Why did you leave me? All I ever wanted was to be with you and help you through things like you helped me."
    "I know you did. I cared so much for you. I always appreciated everything you did for me. If only you could’ve understood. But in a way, I didn’t want you to understand. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to think."
    "Why didn’t you tell me that? You didn’t just have to fade away out of my life, Cat."
    "I’m so sorry that it happened like that, I really am. But I couldn’t handle it any more."
    "Handle what," I asked impatiently.
    "I couldn’t handle you. You were too good to me damnit! You were so easy to love and that’s what scared me. I found myself falling in love with you and it just scared me. That may sound stupid, but it’s the truth." She lowered her sight to the ground.
    I was too shocked to say anything.
    "I never thought you felt that way," I said to her. "I felt the same way. I loved you for a long time, but I could never come out and say it to you. I don’t know why. I think I was scared too. I was afraid of what you might’ve said back. I was afraid that you wouldn’t feel the same way. Even after we had separated I still loved you. Hell I loved you for the longest time after we broke up." A tear rolled down my cheek.
    "I love you so much. I didn’t want to leave you," Cat said on the verge of crying. "But I knew I had to think. But, I’ve had time to think and I know now that I want you."
    I walked to her and hugged her so hard. Her tears ran onto my face. It felt so good to hold her again. I felt so much better now that I was able to tell her what I had wanted to tell her for the longest time.
    "I love you, Cat," I told her while I hugged her. "I’ll always love you. I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry this all got so out of hand. I should’ve told you sooner instead of letting it build up inside. I can’t believe I was so selfish. If I would’ve jumped…I don’t know. Thank you for stopping me." I hugged her again.
    "Its OK. Things will be better from now on. I promise," Cat said soothingly.
    I took her hand and we walked off the bridge down the road back to town. I thanked God for sending an angel to look after me.